I don’t think I’ve ever had a week like this one.
On Monday evening, I went to a wake for a friend whose
wedding I stood up in nearly 52 years ago. On Tuesday morning, I went to her
funeral.
On Wednesday afternoon, I went to a wake for a fellow
parishioner at my church. I didn’t know her very well, but do know one of her
six grown sons. This morning, I went to her funeral.
In both instances, the husbands survive their dear wives of many,
many years, and I will continue to see both of them: the first, socially, as he
is also my friend, and the second at regular church functions.
And though I’ve dealt with my own losses over the years—my
mother’s early death from breast cancer; my first love’s death in Vietnam; my
ex-husband’s and father’s deaths in 2003 and 2007 respectively—I am still not
sure how to be or what to say when with either of these men.
Which is why I found a January 15th New York Times article on grief (link below) so helpful, and am especially glad that I held on to it. It’s a review of two books on the subject. Megan Devine, author of “It’s OK
That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t
Understand,” gives this advice:
“[Ms. Devine]
explains that pain cannot be “fixed,” that companionship, not correction, is
the best way to deal with grief. She encourages those who want to be helpful to
“bear witness,” to offer friendship without probing questions or unsolicited
advice, help if it is needed and wanted, and a listening ear no matter how
often mourners wish to tell their story.”
These are things I know how to do: to offer friendship
without giving unsolicited advice, and to listen to the stories the bereaved want to share.
This helps me better understand how to be with each of these grieving husbands,
though I’m still not sure what to say. Perhaps listening to them attentively and with openness
will lead me to discover the right words.
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