Accompanying Grief

I don’t think I’ve ever had a week like this one.

On Monday evening, I went to a wake for a friend whose wedding I stood up in nearly 52 years ago. On Tuesday morning, I went to her funeral.

On Wednesday afternoon, I went to a wake for a fellow parishioner at my church. I didn’t know her very well, but do know one of her six grown sons. This morning, I went to her funeral.

In both instances, the husbands survive their dear wives of many, many years, and I will continue to see both of them: the first, socially, as he is also my friend, and the second at regular church functions.

And though I’ve dealt with my own losses over the years—my mother’s early death from breast cancer; my first love’s death in Vietnam; my ex-husband’s and father’s deaths in 2003 and 2007 respectively—I am still not sure how to be or what to say when with either of these men.

Which is why I found a January 15th  New York Times article on grief (link below) so helpful, and am especially glad that I held on to it. It’s a review of two books on the subject. Megan Devine, author of “It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand,” gives this advice:

“[Ms. Devine] explains that pain cannot be “fixed,” that companionship, not correction, is the best way to deal with grief. She encourages those who want to be helpful to “bear witness,” to offer friendship without probing questions or unsolicited advice, help if it is needed and wanted, and a listening ear no matter how often mourners wish to tell their story.”

These are things I know how to do: to offer friendship without giving unsolicited advice, and to listen to the stories the bereaved want to share. This helps me better understand how to be with each of these grieving husbands, though I’m still not sure what to say. Perhaps listening to them attentively and with openness will lead me to discover the right words.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/15/well/live/understanding-grief.html

Practicing Gratitude, Part II

This second post on practicing gratitude, as suggested by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, includes my responses to what the Center recommends to maintain the practice.

These comments, in bold, are based on my 30 years of teaching journal writing in both academic and adult ed venues.

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TIME REQUIRED

15 minutes per day, at least once per week for at least two weeks. Studies suggest that writing in a gratitude journal three times per week might actually have a greater impact on our happiness than journaling every day.

Comment #1:

I’d suggest writing three times a week and putting those days and times on your calendar. Of course, the days and times might vary each week, and that’s fine.

Plan to write between 10 – 20 minutes each time. You can always write for a longer time, but I'd maintain the minimum of 10 minutes.

*****

HOW TO DO IT

There’s no wrong way to keep a gratitude journal, but here are some general instructions as you get started.

Comment #2:

There are more and less productive ways to keep a journal. Especially for new and/or blocked journal writers, using certain techniques might help make the process more meaningful and worthwhile--especially when confronting a blank page. 

Such techniques might include freewriting; the monologue; and the dialogue.

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Write down up to five things for which you feel grateful.

Comment #3:

I’m not sure you need a maximum or minimum number of things to be grateful for. One day you might have three, and another day 20. I’d be open to whatever number naturally comes up.

*****

The physical record is important—don’t just do this exercise in your head. The things you list can be relatively small in importance (“The tasty sandwich I had for lunch today.”) or relatively large (“My sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy.”). The goal of the exercise is to remember a good event, experience, person, or thing in your life—then enjoy the good emotions that come with it.

Comment #4:

Absolutely agree about the physical act of writing vs. thinking.

*****

As you write, here are nine important tips:

Be as specific as possible—specificity is key to fostering gratitude. “I’m grateful that my co-workers brought me soup when I was sick on Tuesday” will be more effective than “I’m grateful for my co-workers.”

Comment #5:

I’d be even more specific: what are the co-workers’ names? What kind of soup? What were you sick with?

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Go for depth over breadth. Elaborating in detail about a particular person or thing for which you’re grateful carries more benefits than a superficial list of many things.

Comment #6:

In other words, tell the story of the experience that you’re grateful, including the person’s name, the day/date, the place, etc.

*****

Get personal. Focusing on people to whom you are grateful has more of an impact than focusing on things for which you are grateful.

Comment #7:

Again, people usually do certain things that make us grateful, i.e., they act in a certain way. So describe the who, what, when, and where of those actions.

*****

Try subtraction, not just addition. Consider what your life would be like without certain people or things, rather than just tallying up all the good stuff. Be grateful for the negative outcomes you avoided, escaped, prevented, or turned into something positive—try not to take that good fortune for granted.

Comment #8:

The idea of taking a negative in our lives and turning it into something positive puts me in mind of this quote from the Dalai Lama in The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World: “the three factors that seem to have the greatest influence on increasing our happiness are our ability to reframe our situation more positively, our ability to experience gratitude, and our choice to be kind and generous.”

Reframe, from the online Cambridge dictionary: “to change the way something is expressed or considered.” So we take a negative event and reframe it such that we squeeze something positive from it. Much like making lemonade from lemons, eh?

*****

See good things as “gifts.” Thinking of the good things in your life as gifts guards against taking them for granted. Try to relish and savor the gifts you’ve received.

Comment #9:

Agree.

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Savor surprises. Try to record events that were unexpected or surprising, as these tend to elicit stronger levels of gratitude.

Comment #10:

I’m not sure this is different from the first tip; once you are specific, you can include the fact that the event was unexpected or surprising.

*****

Revise if you repeat. Writing about some of the same people and things is OK, but zero in on a different aspect in detail.

Comment #11:

Well, sure.

*****

Write regularly. Whether you write every other day or once a week, commit to a regular time to journal, then honor that commitment. But…

Don’t overdo it. Evidence suggests writing occasionally (1-3 times per week) is more beneficial than daily journaling. That might be because we adapt to positive events and can soon become numb to them—that’s why it helps to savor surprises.

Comment #12:

See Comment #1 above.

*****

And if anyone wants to contact me about their experience of keeping a gratitude journal, please do so at madmoon55@hotmail.com. I'd love to hear from you.

Practicing Gratitude, Part I

It wasn’t until I was past 50 that I realized how much growing up in an alcoholic home had affected me. Once acknowledged, I found my way to a support group for families of alcoholics. And though most people there were dealing with active drinkers—their spouses and/or adult children—I came away with two valuable lessons from my time there: to be grateful and to serve others.

In other words, when experiencing what may seem the worst of times in our lives—no matter the cause—it really is helpful to spend some time focusing on the positive. And to make that focus a regular practice.

This may not be news to those who live their ethical, philosophical or religious values; such people regularly experience the psychological rewards of being grateful and of serving others. Still, isn’t it grand to know that science now provides evidence for such rewards?

That is the goal of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley “[which] is developing research-based exercises that promote happiness, resilience, kindness, and connection.”

On the Center’s website, there’s a list of such practices, including how they can help us become more compassionate, optimistic, forgiving, and happy, among others.

As for becoming more grateful, following is one of the suggested practices from the Center—keeping a gratitude journal—and tips on how to do it.

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TIME REQUIRED

15 minutes per day, at least once per week for at least two weeks. Studies suggest that writing in a gratitude journal three times per week might actually have a greater impact on our happiness than journaling every day.

HOW TO DO IT

There’s no wrong way to keep a gratitude journal, but here are some general instructions as you get started.

Write down up to five things for which you feel grateful. The physical record is important—don’t just do this exercise in your head. The things you list can be relatively small in importance (“The tasty sandwich I had for lunch today.”) or relatively large (“My sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy.”). The goal of the exercise is to remember a good event, experience, person, or thing in your life—then enjoy the good emotions that come with it.

As you write, here are nine important tips:

Be as specific as possible—specificity is key to fostering gratitude. “I’m grateful that my co-workers brought me soup when I was sick on Tuesday” will be more effective than “I’m grateful for my co-workers.”

Go for depth over breadth. Elaborating in detail about a particular person or thing for which you’re grateful carries more benefits than a superficial list of many things.

Get personal. Focusing on people to whom you are grateful has more of an impact than focusing on things for which you are grateful.

Try subtraction, not just addition. Consider what your life would be like without certain people or things, rather than just tallying up all the good stuff. Be grateful for the negative outcomes you avoided, escaped, prevented, or turned into something positive—try not to take that good fortune for granted.

See good things as “gifts.” Thinking of the good things in your life as gifts guards against taking them for granted. Try to relish and savor the gifts you’ve received.

Savor surprises. Try to record events that were unexpected or surprising, as these tend to elicit stronger levels of gratitude.

Revise if you repeat. Writing about some of the same people and things is OK, but zero in on a different aspect in detail.

Write regularly. Whether you write every other day or once a week, commit to a regular time to journal, then honor that commitment. But…

Don’t overdo it. Evidence suggests writing occasionally (1-3 times per week) is more beneficial than daily journaling. That might be because we adapt to positive events and can soon become numb to them—that’s why it helps to savor surprises.

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As for why this is a worthwhile practice, click on WHY YOU SHOULD TRY IT on the following link:

https://ggia.berkeley.edu/#filters=gratitude

On Not Going Gentle Into Retirement

I passed retirement age nearly 10 years ago, just a few short months after my book was published. In some ways, I felt like I was just getting started, though I’d already been self-employed as a teacher and writer for over 20 years.

I’d employed myself shortly after earning an M.A in English in 1988, at age 45. I had seriously considered becoming a full-time academic after that, and was even accepted into a Ph.D. program at the University of Illinois/Chicago, with a concentration in teaching college writing.

Then I had to consider the very slim possibility of getting a tenured position while nearing 50. Even less likely—as I slowly realized—was that I’d actually enjoy teaching 18 year olds how to write for the next 15, 20, or more years. I’d already been doing that as adjunct faculty and, though I loved teaching writing, I was not so crazy about teaching students who weren’t all that interested in learning.

Hence, the self-employment option.

And so in 1991, I began designing and teaching writing and journal writing workshops for adults, in both adult education and professional venues, and as a private writing coach. And while it’s not been the easiest professional road to travel, it has been, and continues to be, extremely satisfying. And so I’ve no desire or intention to stop.

And I’m not alone, of course. Many of us agers want to keep working, and not just for the income. Following are excerpts from a New York Times article featuring four professionals, ages 70 – 96, who give their reasons why:

Jack B. Weinstein, 96 year-old judge:

“I’m a better judge, in some respects, than when I was younger. I don’t remember names. But I listen more. And I’m more compassionate. I see things from more angles. If you are doing interesting work, you want to continue.”

Adolfo Calovini, 82 year-old high school teacher:

“To me, teaching is about life. This is what I do. I can’t see a time when I wouldn’t.”

Eric R. Kandel, 88 year-old neuroscientist:

“I like what I do,” he said. “Keeping engaged keeps you intellectually alive. I wouldn’t be surprised if it enhanced longevity.”

Laura Popper, 71 year-old pediatrician:

“There’s no part of me that wants to retire. If you have something you love, there’s nothing else.”

There’s more worth reading in the article, no matter where you are in your working life;

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/16/business/asked-about-retiring-they-have-a-simple-answer-why.html

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Come and explore how work, among other factors, might figure in

your own aging process:

The Purpose of Aging, Aging with Purpose:

A Journal Writing Workshop

Thursday, February 15, 2018, 6 – 8 pm

7430 N. Ridge Blvd, Chicago

For more information re: fee and registration, please contact me at madmoon55@hotmail.com or 773.981.2282.